Head Over Heels

by Michael Kugel

“I have a perfect girl for you. Just try not to lose your head when you meet this one.” The two friends were sitting next to each other, their feet dangling over the edge of a small cliff, watching the sunset. “She has mesmerizing eyes – a real looker, a long neck, and really big…”

“Alright, alright,” Dan interrupted. “You talked me into it. I’ll go out with her, but I just want it to be known that I don’t like blind dates – especially after the last one that you set me up on. She nearly ripped my head off.”

“Duly noted, buddy. However, you will not regret meeting Melanie. She’s a very cool lady. And guess what I found out about her yesterday?”

“I’m not guessing. What?”

“She loves clowns. Can you believe that coincidence? She’s perfect for you.” Dan was surprised at the strange feeling that he felt in his chest upon hearing that. For the last two months, he had been working as a full-time clown at a local side show. After entering that profession, he was surprised to find out the sheer number of individuals who were afraid of clowns or just simply didn’t like them. He tried not to take it personally but it still stung his heart from time to time. Hearing that a grown woman was fond of them was music to his ears.

“Where am I meeting her?” Dan barely held back a grin.

“At the Riviera restaurant. She likes it there. Told me to tell you that she’ll be there at seven, ‘under the big top.’ Don’t be late, and don’t do anything stupid.” Dan looked at his friend.

“Me? Do anything stupid? Never.”

Dan was beginning to question his decision to ride his rusty unicycle to a first date. He wanted to impress her with his skill and reinforce her love for clowns, but the Riviera was a semi-formal restaurant and a unicycle would definitely stand out as a poor choice of transportation among the more expensive automobiles that other patrons of the establishment tended to use. Of course, there was a real possibility that she would look at such a feat of pedaling as childish and totally inappropriate, but it’s a chance he was willing to take. And so, he just hoped that she would actually be impressed by the cycle and not notice all the rust between his legs.

Upon arrival at the reasonably expensive food distribution establishment, Dan dismounted his rusty vehicle, chain-locked it to a tree, and walked inside. He was a bit nervous but excited at the same time. The place was rather busy and it took him a minute to recall that he would recognize his date because she would be under “the big top.” The maître d’ told him that he could look around but could not help any further since he had no knowledge of any tops – big, medium, or small. However, he found her almost immediately once he peeked inside the dining room. Tied to the back of a chair was an open, bright red parasol, under which sat a beautiful female specimen. Dan smiled and walked over.

“You must be Melanie,” he said.

“I am.” She smiled back. “You must be Dan.”

“I am. It’s nice to meet you, Melanie.” Dan extended his arm.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” she answered and shook his hand. Dan sat down opposite his date and couldn’t get the smirk off his face. Melanie looked inquisitively at him.

“What are you smirking at? Is it my mascara? Did it smear?”

“No, no. You look absolutely perfect. I just can’t believe Tim fixed me up on a date with somebody as beautiful as you.”

Melanie blushed.

“You’re too kind, Dan. Thank you. Yeah, after I broke my last boyfriend… I mean, broke up with my last boyfriend, I didn’t want to date again. But Tim, being the concerned co-worker that he is, insisted that he has the perfect guy for me. And so far, I like what I see.”

It was Dan’s turn to blush a little.

“Yes, he’s a good guy. I keep him around in case of a dating emergency.”

Melanie smiled again.

“Does that come up often?”

“Every now and then. There’s nothing like bringing a blind date to a family picnic or, better yet, a funeral.”

“A funeral?”

“Tim didn’t tell you about that?”

“No.”

“I don’t want to bore you with such macabre stories,” Dan said.

“Oh no, this sounds too good to pass up. Please, do tell.”

“Well, one of our friends was at a party and met a girl that he really liked. Described her as having a ‘killer body’ but apparently a cold personality. Anyway, he courted her for a while and according to the reports, they spent the night together in the field because that’s where they found his body. They said it was not moved. No trace of the girl - even to this day. To make a long story short, I needed a date for the funeral because his sister wants to rip my head off - no need to expand on that at the moment. Let’s just say that I’m not too fond of her. However, I knew that if I showed up with a date, she would keep her distance. The problem was that I was single. So, Tim came to the rescue and found a blind date for me. Not sure how he knew her, but I knew right then that it was the first and last time I wanted to see her – not a pleasant individual at all. The whole day was a little awkward but I was able to pay my final respects in relative peace and quiet.”

“Wow. One hell of a story there,” Melanie reacted after a moment of silence. “It kind of reminds me of this guy I knew…”

“Are you ready to order?” Their conversation was suddenly interrupted by the waiter. “Or do you need a few more minutes?”

Melanie looked at Dan.

“This place has an amazing insect menu. They are to die for… You know, if you’re into that kind of thing. It’s not for everyone. But it beats eating pollen and fruits all the time.”

“Ah, but do they make good crickets here?” Dan said and looked at the waiter with a smile.

“Only the best,” was the response.

“In that case, I will order a plate of that right after the lady places her order.” Then he quickly added, “Ladies always first.” Melanie beamed.

“I will have the insect special, please. And a bottle of wine - two glasses, and that dessert special as well after the dinner. Just one of those - two spoons.” She glanced at Dan with a tantalizing look.

“Excellent choice, madame.” With that, he scribbled quickly on his pad and then walked away.

Dan and Melanie stared into each other’s eyes without saying a word for a few seconds or a few minutes - neither one could tell for sure.

“Dan,” Melanie finally spoke. “I saw you rode a unicycle here. Part of your clown routine?”

“You noticed?”

“Yes, very impressive.”

“Goal accomplished, then. I wanted to impress you with that. I wasn’t sure you would see it that way, but I’m glad you did.” Melanie tilted her head ever so slightly to one side.

“That is so sweet of you. Yes, consider me impressed. And I think clowns are very alluring.” Dan blushed a bit. Melanie continued asking away.

“So, do you juggle? Stumble over your own feet when you perform? Climb into a small car with twenty other clowns?”

“Well, I’m still learning to juggle. It’s way harder than it looks. And we can’t afford a car yet. Stumbling over my own feet comes easy. It’s a spontaneous occurrence for me.” He shrugged his shoulders. “But I have become pretty good at several magic tricks.”

“Really? I would love to see a few… later.” Dan blushed once again and decided to change the subject. Besides, as much as he wanted to, they couldn’t talk about him all dinner long. Plus, he wanted to know more about her.

“You know how to make a guy blush. But tell me about yourself. What makes you tick? What are your hobbies?”

“Well, let’s see now. I like stamp collecting, knitting, and writing. Sometimes, I just like to sit there and stare at the grassy knolls or the horizon for hours – not moving or blinking.”

“You don’t blink for hours? Sounds interesting.”

“Yeah, it’s not as hard as most would have you believe. It’s a type of meditation. Oh, almost forgot. On occasion, I am what most would call a serial killer. I usually do it for fun, but on rare occasions, out of necessity.” Dan looked at her with wide eyes.

“What? Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You kill?”

“Yes.”

“And then you eat a lot of cereal?”

“What?”

“Cereal. You said you’re a cereal killer. Or is it the cereal that you kill? Although cereal was never alive to begin with.” Dan furrowed his forehead to better understand.

“No, it’s not that kind of serial. Not the breakfast, afternoon snack, and sometimes late at night meal kind of food. ‘Serial’ as in repeated. I’ve killed a few men in my life.”

“Oh,” Dan relaxed his face. “That makes sense. Why do you do it?”

“It’s in my nature, I guess.”

“I think everyone needs a hobby that comes naturally to them. If that happens to be repeated murders, then who am I to judge you? We all deserve some joy in our lives. Good for you.”

“Thanks Dan. I’m so glad you approve of it. Most men just don’t get me and wind up leaving after they hear about my hobbies. But you’re different. I think you understand me.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed. “Stamps and knitting are not for everyone, but as long as it makes you happy, then why should it bother me, right?”

“Dan, you’re the best.”

Dinner was served a short time later. They continued with small talk while consuming their entrees - getting to know each other better. Dan was highly impressed with the freshness and taste of the food, but he was even more delighted by his date. Melanie was beautiful, smart, charming, funny, ambitious, and he found her to be fascinating. She was definitely different (in a good way) from all the other girls he had dated. He felt hopeful that, perhaps, the stars had aligned just right, and he finally met the woman of his dreams. He knew that a good part of what he felt was his hormones, but he also felt something in his chest that he never felt before. His heart was skipping beats and, at times, twirling in a dance that he didn’t know it could dance. He wondered if that is what love felt like.

Before he knew it, the dinner was winding up and it was time to depart the facility.

“I had a great time, Dan. Thank you so much,” Melanie said.

“Me too. I’m so glad Tim was able to talk me into going on this date. I had a wonderful time with you. I hope we can do this again.” Melanie looked at her date for what seemed like a long time.

“I like you, Dan.”

“I like you too, Melanie.”

“I would really like to see you again – at my place.”

“That would be great. When?”

“Would you like to come over tomorrow evening? Are you free?” Dan took about a fourth of a second to think about it.

“Yes, I’ll come over.”

“Ride your unicycle there?” She gave him another alluring look and Dan reciprocated.

“Of course.”

“Oh, wait,” a look of disappointment popped up on her face. Dan’s heart stopped. It wouldn’t be the first time that a girl he liked would tell him that she wasn’t actually single. And he was really falling for this one. He tried to prepare himself for the inevitable words that would lead to devastation.

“Dan, I really like you,” Melanie began. “And I really do want you to fertilize my eggs, but…” she trailed off and looked at the floor.

“You have a boyfriend,” Dan chimed in with melancholy engulfing his vocal cords and spreading down into his aching chest.

“What?” Melanie looked up with surprise. “No, nothing like that. I’m single.”

“What is it then?” Dan was confused.

“Like I said, I really like you. I just don’t want to kill you, that’s all. And if you come and we proceed with the fertilization… well, you know… I might lose control and…”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Dan had the biggest smile on his face as relief flooded his body. Jubilation was practically oozing out of him.

“Melanie, I have been a praying mantis my whole life. I know what to expect.” Quietly he added, “I’m not a virgin, you know. I always bring protection.” Seemingly out of nowhere he whipped out a helmet and put it on his head. Melanie laughed out loud. Finally, a boyfriend with brains who would be around for more than two or three dates. She was falling in love. Overcome with emotion, she hugged him and Dan eagerly hugged her back.

“You’re the best, you know that. It’s so hard to sustain a good relationship when you’re a female mantis.”

“I can only imagine.” They released each other from the warm embrace and smiled.

“What am I going to do with all that spare time now?” she asked. “You know, now that I will not be killing anymore.” Dan thought about it for a moment.

“Have you ever considered starting martial arts? I’ve been a practitioner of it for many years. I think you would be great.”

For many months to come, Dan and Melanie sat in the grass together, by the edge of a cliff, staring at the sunsets, rarely moving and never blinking, only sporadically snapping and catching an insect with their raptorial forelegs. Special occasions and anniversaries were always celebrated at the Riviera. And the helmet was never far away.